Still Afraid

It’s a year since I wrote one of my most viewed blog posts “The Fear”.
I’ve been dithering about sharing it again. This post more or less wrote itself. It’s all of my deepest, darkest fears. They still stand true today.

I have these fears deep within me and I bury them as much as possible. But there are times when these fears bounce up and bite me and for me there is no shame in admitting these fears. When you admit that you’re afraid, that is a huge step.

People have said to me that they share the same fears for their children who don’t have additional needs. I share them too for H to an extent. But I would be lying if I said that my fears for Evie aren’t heightened. To say that my fears are the same for both Evie and H would be to diminish and minimise my concerns.

Evie does so love to run off when I’m least expecting it; generally making a dash across a car park seems to be a favourite.

She also chokes – her airways are very narrow and we have spent time in A&E as a result of her choking. A few days ago I was woken with her choking in the early hours…terrifying. It’s just her “thing” to keep us on our toes.

Evie has made massive progress in so many areas since I wrote “The Fear”…but those fears remain.

I still think I could do so much more with her therapy. I think my fears for her legging it often prevent us from attempting certain things. We live close to a beautiful canal…we love to walk along there…but I’m on edge constantly. Evie adores water…I simply wouldn’t put it past her to jump in. You see while I have several fears…my gorgeous girl has none.

None of these fears change my love for her. If anything they make me realise how terribly precious and important to me she really is.

We sat in a restaurant recently…ok let me say that again…WE SAT IN A RESTAURANT!!! Evie has hyperacusis which for us means that she hates noise unless she’s making it! 😉 It’s related to her sensory processing disorder – basically she hates hoovers, hand driers, loud beats to music, restaurant noises, fairgrounds, fireworks, fire alarms. She totally panics and has a meltdown. So over the last few years we’ve steadily been building up her resilience to these noises. And it does work: little by little I’ve chipped away at her noise hatred. She’s hoovered for me (after a fashion); she’s dared to put her hand under the hand drier; she ate in a restaurant and did so incredibly well.

I suppose what I’m saying is that these fears are always going to be there but we live with them…we acknowledge them and their importance. We don’t dismiss them as being the same as anybody else’s fears because they’re not.

It’s ok to be afraid as long as you keep trying.


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