I’ve touched before upon the loss of Evie’s baby brother Joshua.
Today is his birthday. He weighed 5lb 15oz at 34 weeks. He died. He was stillborn but born still. He lived.
He had a funeral. He was and is still loved. He will be forever. He was warm and perfect. He gave me such love and happiness.
He died from foetal hydrops. He had oedemas on his head and tummy. They caused his little perfect heart to fail. At the same time as my heart broke.
I say that Evie saved my life then, as she did. She gave me cause and reason to be. She made me live. She made me laugh.
I felt such guilt after that first laughter she achieved in me. Guilt that I shouldn’t have laughed. I shouldn’t be happy. It was only a few days after his birth but she made me happy. She saved my soul.
She was then a delightful 3 year old, learning and playing. Loving and laughing.
I once told someone about Evie having Down’s syndrome – she told me that she was sorry. I told her there was no need. I then explained about Joshua; how he had died. She said that there must have been a reason for his passing. She couldn’t understand why I would have taken Joshua with a disability rather than be dead.
I hate the phrase “everything happens for a reason”. Of course there are reasons for people dying but to have such a fatalistic view of life is beyond me. Sometimes there aren’t reasons…some things are beyond explanation and that is ok. It’s just life and how it happens. We don’t have to know everything all of the time.
To be an angel mummy is a privileged position. I see the value of life so much more clearly. I’m more empathetic. Disability isn’t a disaster nor a disadvantage. It’s life and all life is good. Don’t discriminate or segregate. Don’t exclude or isolate.
Believe. See the wonder of all life. Laugh and celebrate.
For Joshua…forever in our hearts and thoughts. Now and every day. 20.02.12 💔