Drifting

It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

I have two poorly girls…croup followed by chest infections…followed by vomiting. Such fabulous fun! 😔 It’s also four years tomorrow since my lovely mum died. As I type this I fend off the tears that threaten to ensue.

When you’re a SN parent, you find out who your friends are, who out of your family actually cares. Life is a bit like that anyway, when tough times come fair weather friends disappear. Perhaps it’s bad timing but I’ve seen so many posts lately about people feeling lonely, abandoned by family and friends. It’s a sorry state of affairs that the “cleverer” society gets, the lonelier and more isolated we seem to become.

Social media is so helpful and yet so isolating too. Such a conflict. I rely on social media for my last grasp on my remaining sanity. I research and learn through it. I connect with other parents who have the same issues as us, who share tips on education, health and even ideas of what to get for Christmas. We share ideals, visions and even common dislikes. Through Facebook groups, twitter, blogs and even Instagram, I discover so much information.

Yet it isolates me too. I see people’s opinions on matters and I disagree. Before social media, maybe I wouldn’t have known. Maybe I wouldn’t have expected so much of people. Maybe I would be more tolerant of those who fail us.

I find social media easier than picking up the phone and having to explain what’s going on in my life. I am very much guilty of failing to connect with people around me. I used to spend hours a day on the phone to my mum and friends.

And now I hide behind the keyboard. Since mum and Joshua died, I find it hard to actually talk out loud. When times are tough, I close the door, draw the curtains and shut the world out. On social media I can choose what I access. I know this might surprise some people but I changed so much as a result of our losses, that I protect myself and mine much more than before. Those two horrific years of pain make me who I am now.

I know if my mum were here, it would be different. I would have someone who always has my back. Yes she would shout at me and lose her temper. But that’s because she expected so much of me. She wanted me to be the best that I can be. I really hope that I am making her proud. My life is so very different to how it was supposed to be.

Yet it’s better than I ever planned.

Yes I may not have my mum and my son, but I have the two most beautiful daughters. Two little girls who fight hard and love. They give the best hugs in the world. Evie is my light. She challenges the world around her. She rocks it. She makes people sit up and take note. She takes no prisoners. She is the world’s most adorable girl. This week on a top secret mission that we have accepted (more to come later) she has made me laugh until I cried. This most beautiful of children changed my whole life. As she sees me struggling to hide my tears, she holds me tight…then puts on her stompee slippers that never fail to make me giggle as she puts on her comedienne act.

And Hattie…after the storm has passed there is a rainbow and she is mine. She is feisty, stubborn, smart and utterly delightful in her attitude. She has so many attributes and nuances of my mum that it’s hard to not be continually reminded of her.

SN parents often feel isolated. Unable to talk. Feel abandoned by those who they previously trusted. We feel that people don’t get it. People get bored with us refusing party invites, cancelling plans. Friendship and understanding is so hard to find. That’s why when you lose someone who is so close to you, someone who truly gets you and supports you regardless of  anything else, that’s why it makes you feel even more lonely when they’re gone.

Thinking of my lovely mum, now and everyday.

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