If only

Now I’m a great one for “if only”

On bad days I wonder if only I did this, if things would have gone better.

I saw this picture on Facebook and it summed it all up.

I critique myself every single day….

If only I did this…maybe if I did this then this wouldn’t have happened…

I go back over hours, days, weeks and months…if I put more time in, if I didn’t do this then maybe this would be better…

I question if I am too protective…if I worry too much….

I wonder if she could be happier…..

Now because Evie has Down’s syndrome I know that I am over protective. I know that my guard is usually up….I trust few people with her.

I don’t want her to be hurt ever. When she is hurt I blame myself. When she hurts others, I blame myself.

I have no doubt that I could do more. But at what cost? I want Evie to have (to quote IDS 😉😉😉😉 apologies couldn’t resist) a ‘normal’ life.

I’m not just hard on myself about Evie. I was about Joshua and am about H. With Josh I blamed myself for his death. Impossible. I wasn’t responsible but I will always feel that I was. With Evie I remember saying to my mum in one mad moment after her diagnosis that I should have known when I was pregnant that she had Down’s syndrome. I’m her mum. I should know. With H I should do more. I should teach her, take her more places, embrace her capacity to understand things……

I’m not perfect as much as it kills me to say. Yet I do do my best for my children. I love them. I fight for them. I teach them not only academically but I try to teach them compassion, self belief, love and life.

I don’t think that I’m that different to any other parent really. I just have to fight harder and stronger and care less about what people think of me…

Parents of children with special needs have more battles than you can ever imagine….both practically and emotionally. If only the rest of the world understood…


3 thoughts on “If only

  1. My daughter is only 3 months old and I’m terrified that I am missing something that will help her progress. Thank you for this post to help me see that I’m not the only one constantly battling myself.

    Liked by 1 person

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